I ain't never gonna fergit that there turkey shoot s' long as th' good Lord keeps me in
th' breathin' habit. Hit'uz uh week b'fore Thanksgivin' back in nin'teen'n forty-nine, an' I'uz
just a whackin'-size kid. (Fact is, I had more whack'ns than I had size in 'em days).
Th' whole thang started when one o' them goosey-faced Sarjunt boys got in uh
argyment with ol' Chalk Miller 'bout which'n thur shotguns'd hold th' closest pattern in uh
hunnert yards. It'd just about got t' th' place whur they wuz gonna prove th' point awn
each other when Bernie Snowden happent along in 'is lawin' jeep.
Now Bernie warn't really th' law, but 'e did have uh J.P.'s license, so ever'body
'spected he'uz th' nearest thang t' law they had. They'd let 'im nose around'n be bossy an'
sich jis' t' keep 'im frum havin' c'nniption fits an' messin' in 'is britches frum time t' time. Anyways, th' sight o' him traipsin' 'round with
'is thumbs stuck in 'is 'spenders kinda give 'im th' 'peerance uv havin' uhthority.
Well sir, when Bernie saw 'em boys gittin' nigh awn t' perferatin' each other with
number sixes, he hopped outta that jeep s' fast 'at 'e caught 'is 'spenders awn th' steerin'
wheel, an' when they let go they snapped s' hard 'at ol' Chalk thought th' Sarjunt boy'd
done shot 'im, an' 'e near had uh heart attack. Fact is, 'ey snapped s' hard that Bernie near
had uh heart attack too.
Now th' sight uv Bernie an' Chalk uh-staggerin' 'round an' heart-uhttackin' all over
th' place skeered th' Sarjunt kid plum' white. He laid down 'is blunderbuss lawng uhnuff t'
try'n ketch 'em 'fore they fell in th' creek, an' 'at give Bernie uh chance t' come up with
somethin' 'at'd keep 'em two frum buckshottin' each other t' death. He staggered 'gainst th'
jeep an' panted an' wheezed an' helt 'is gizzard fer th' proper time t' make uh good
'peerance o' gittin' over 'is heart attack, an' 'en 'e sez t' Chalk, 'e sez;
"Lissin here, ain't no use'n you fellers goin' an' bloodyin' up all creation an' mebbe
gittin' hauled t' th' horsepital Jis' so's ya kin find out which'n 'em pokestalks makes th'
biggest mess. I'll Jis' set up uh shootin' match fer ya down in Bartley Bottom an' ya kin both blow th' tar outt'n uh chunk uv pasteboard
till y' sastify th' argyment."
"Lan' sakes, Bernie," sez Chalk, "we can't waste 'em shotgun shells awn sich uh
thang as pas'eboard. We hadda ginseng uh whole durn season jis' t' git 'em."
"Heck yeah," Sarjunt chimes in, "we gotta have 'em dingbusted shells fer 'portant
thangs, like varmints an' revenooers an' sich. We can't waste good ammynition awn uh
fool thang like uh piece uh pas'eboard."
Well sir, Bernie squenched 'is eyes an' thought fer 'bout uh nickel's worth, 'nen 'e
sez, "Tell ya whut... I'll put up uh big ol' gobbler fer th' winner, 'nen ya won't be uh-wastin'
yer ammynition. How's 'at grab ya?"
Th' two uv 'em sauntered 'round uh-pantin' fer uh mite, (Chalk frum heart-attackin'
an' Sarjunt frum uh-tryin' t' keep 'im frum fallin' in th' creek) 'nen they d'cided hit'uz uh
purty good idea, an shook hands awn it. 'Fore lawng th' p'tic'lars wuz all settled an' 'ey
both pushed Bernie's jeep fer 'bout uh quarter-mile tuh git it started so's he could git t'
workin' awn whur he'uz uh-gonna find uh big ol' gobbler t' use fer uh prize.
Aside frum bein' th' town's self-appointed lawman, Bernie also had uh big mouth
an' uh turrible stingy streak. So when he realized 'at he'd volunteered uh whole tom-
turkey jis' t' keep 'em two fellers frum havin' uh perferatin' party, he kinda got sick fer uh
while. In fact, th' more he thought about it, th' sicker he got.
T' start with, he didn't have no gobbler, so after uh bottle uv aspirins, an' about uh
hour uv eye-squenchin', he d'cided he warn't gonna waste no money t' save uh couple uh
hillbilly hides, an' he figgered out uh way t' do th' job fer nuthin, an' mebbe make hisself uh
profit b'sides.
'Bout fifteen miles away at th' bottom uv Davy Mountain, ol' Jefferson Ledbetter
had hisself uh barnyard lot fulla ever' kinda fowl uh feller could name. Now, in his lawin'
c'pacity, Bernie'd had occasion t' cruise th' place uh few times, an' he recollected uh great
big ol' tom gobbler givin' 'im rats ever' time 'e passed by. 'Peered t' Bernie that right now'd
be th' perfec' time t' teach 'at loudmouthed feather-duster uh lesson in showin' r'spec' fer 'is
betters. So that Sunday, when 'e knowed Ledbetter'd be in church, Bernie set out t' do jis'
that.
He parked 'is lawin' jeep awn uh hill two hollers up, an' snuck through th' grass till
'e come t' th' backside o' th' lot. Shore 'nuff, 'at ol' tom come uh-fluffin' up t' th' fence like
he'd tear Bernie up if 'e could git to 'im. As it happent, they wuz uh hole in th' wire right
uhbout whur Bernie wuz uh-crouchin', an' he figgered 'e could jis' hawl ol' tom right
through an' be awn 'is way. Trouble wuz, th' hole warn't quite big uhnuff fer 'at fat fowl t' fit through, so Bernie had t' put awn
'is thinkin' cap an' squench 'is eyeballs agin.
'Fore y' know it, 'e rips off 'is 'spenders, makes uh big loop awn one end, an' lassoes
'at gobbler right under 'is wattles. Well now, 'at made th' critter downright indignant, an' 'e
wuz doin' 'is durndest t' git at Bernie's face through that chicken-wire fence. 'At's when
Bernie played 'is trump.
He poked 'is head up close t' that gobbler as 'e dared, looked 'im right in th' beady
little eyes, an' slowly perceeded t' remove 'is false teeth.
Now th' sight o' them choppers comin' outta that gapin' hole in Bernie's ugly face
turrified 'at bird t' th' point uv near death. He took off across th' lot like uh turpentined
beagle. Bernie p'sitioned hisself 'bout four feet awn t'other side o' th' hole an' waited fer th'
recoil. Th' bird kep' uh-runnin' an' th' 'spenders kep' uh-stretchin' till th' pore varmint lost
'is footin', 'nen sixteen feet uv strained elastic c'mmenced t' rewind like one o' them little
paddle balls awn uh rubber band. 'At ol' bird come uh-sailin' 'cross th' lot an' shot through
th' hole like uh cannonball covered with bear grease.
Quicker'n you could say "pattywhackers", Bernie grabbed 'im by th' gizzard,
trussed 'im up like an ol' maid's waistline an' chucked 'im in th' back o' that lawin' jeep. Then 'e coasted down th'
hill t' git 'er started an' headed out lickety-split, leavin' uh trail uv turkey feathers halfway
down th' Briar Creek road.
Th' rest o' th' way home he spent most uv his time figgerin' out ways t' make some
more money outt'n 'at shootin' match. It didn't take nobody with uh passle o' brains t' see
that he come up with somethin' when 'e c'mmenced t' passin' out handbills th' nex' day
'nouncin' th' first annual Wyomin' County Turkey Shoot. First prize: one hooge Wes'
Virginny-type tom turkey.
Up t' that time nobody'd ever offered anythin' bigger'n uh dominecker rooster fer
uh prize in uh shootin' match, so it didn't take long fer th' entry fees t' start uh-pourin' in.
Fifty cents uh shot it were, an' it never occurred t' nobody t' question whur Bernie th'
lawman'd got holt o' that prize critter. Thur only int’erst wuz gittin' holt uv it fer
thurselves.
Now th' thang Bernie hadn't counted awn wuz th' fact 'at some uv his handbills
advertisin' 'iss fantabulous shootin' match had reached all th' way t' th' foot uv Davy
Mountain. So, when th' day arrived fer th' blessit event, they wuz more'n fifty shooters
uh-millin' 'round tryin' t' git tickets, an' one uv 'em wuz Jeff Ledbetter. Seems sumbody'd
made off with one o' his turkeys--his prize turkey t' be exact.
Jeff'd been uh-tryin' t' raise hisself uh new brood, an' he'd been uh-countin' awn 'at
big ol' gobbler t' git it started fer 'im. Now, since he'd lost 'at one, he come over here t' try
an' win 'iss'n t' make up fer it.
Well sur, Bernie wuz rakin' in th' cash, an' th' shooters wuz gatherin' in little groups
braggin' awn thur blunderbusses an' nippin' frum th' quart jars Heber Long'd snuck inta th'
perceedin's. Some uv 'em wuz over t' th' turkey crate hootin' an' hollerin' jis' t' git tom-
gobbler riled up so's 'e'd ruffle 'is feathers an' gobble off uh spiel. They'd yell sump'n 'bout
how he'uz gonna look awn thur dinner table, 'nen 'ey'd hee-haw back over t' Heber's quart
jars an' swipe uhnother snort.
B' this time, sum uv 'em wuz gittin' plum squarshed, an' warn't seein' too straight.
Ol' Cam Harvey'd had more'n his share, an' when sumbody ast 'im how 'e 'spected t' hit th'
target, he sed 'e had uh system. He wuz gonna aim right b'tween both o' th' front sights,
an' he figgered if they happent t' be three uv 'em he'uz gonna come down awn th' one in th'
middle.
Now Bernie'd not been payin' much 'ttention t' who'uz buyin' tickets till 'e heard
Jeff Ledbetter ast 'im for three uv 'em. Bernie gulped uh "Howdy Jeff", an' stuttered an'
stammered 'bout how it'd been sich uh lawng time since 'e'd been over his way. 'Nen 'e
wished 'im all kinds uh good luck in th' shootin' match.
Uh few minnits later, when 'e saw Jeff hunkerin' over 'at wooden crate uh-lookin'
all squinty-eyed at tom gobbler, he got downright fidgety. 'At's when 'e jumped up like
he'd been shot an' yelled fer ever'body t' gather 'round fer th' shootin' t' c'mmence.
His brainstorm mighta worked if it hadn'ta been fer two thangs: Jacy Sarjunt an'
Chalk Miller. It seems 'ese two got here 'spectin' t' have uh little private shootin' match
frum which one uv 'em would take home uh big ol' turkey gobbler. Imagine thur su'prise
when 'ey found uh small army o' hillbillies armed t' th' teeth an' plannin' awn takin' home th'
same varmint. Dawg my hide if they didn't git plum vociferous when 'ey found out whut
wuz goin' awn. They lit inta Bernie with all fours, an' while he had 'is hands full, Jeff
Ledbetter moseyed back over t' th' turkey crate t' git uh closer look at first prize. Sump'n
'bout it looked strangely f'miliar, but 'e couldn't quite place what it wuz yit.
Sarjunt wuz lacin' Bernie up one side an' down t'other when Jeff stepped in 'twixt
th' two uv 'em, looked Bernie right in th' eye, an' sed, "Bernie, I wanna know whur you
got yore bird!"
Well sir, when he sed that ever'body 'cept him'n Chalk an' Jacy an' Bernie
c'mmenced t' haw-hawin' sumthin' turrible. But Jacy got peeved uhbout Jeff uh-buttin' inta his argyment, an' 'e started inta tellin'
'im so. First thang y' know they'uz uh reg'lar hollerin contest goin' awn, an' pore Bernie
found hisself 'tween two ageetated argyfiers, both uv which give showers with thur
speeches.
Whilst Bernie wuz uh-standin' there drippin' frum th' beligeratin', Chalk got t'
fumin' s' bad 'at 'e couldn't stand it no more, an' sauntered over t' Percy Collins' salt lick an'
c'mmenced t' breakin' off uh chunk uv it. "Nen 'e took one o' his shotgun shells an' started
pryin' it open with 'is pocket knife.
'Bout four o' th' fellers 'at wuz standin' 'round enjoyin' th' tar outta th' ruckus
caught sight o' what Chalk wuz uh-doin' an' d'cided t' skeedaddle while th' gittin' wuz
good. Now this throwed uh turrible skeer inta th' rest o' th' crowd, since they didn't know
Chalk had loaded up with salt. They all tuk it fer granted 'at he wuz uhbout t' let go with
uh full load o' double-oughts, an' c'mmenced t' runnin' 'round in ever' which d'rection
lookin' fer uh place t' hide. In th' scramble, Cam Harvey, who wuz seein' worse'n ever, run
lickety-split over th' turkey cage an' busted it all t' heck.
Well sir, 'at ol' turkey, findin' hisself suddenly shed o' his cage (an' bein' uh bird 'at
wuz prone t' holdin' grudges) d'cided t' git even with th' feller that put 'im in there in th' first place. He dropped 'is wings, ruffled 'is feathers like uh shaggy
porkypine, an' made uh feerocious charge t'wards whur all th' argyin' wuz goin' awn.
When th' rest o' th' shooters seed first prize chargin' 'cross th' field like nobody's
bizness, they d'cided 'at grabbin' 'im there wuz uh lot more sure-fahr way uv takin' 'im
home than shootin' uhgin 'em dead-eye squirrel hunters. So 'bout half uv 'em took out
after 'im.
'Bout that time, Chalk leveled off with 'is salted down pokestalk an' seasoned
Bernie's southern end sumthin' fierce. Jeff figgered that Chalk, bein' Jacy's friend, wuz uh-
drawin' down awn him, an' he made uh dive fer 'is shotgun. Trubble wuz, his gun laid
'tween him'n 'at passle o' turkey chasers, an' when 'e made th' dive he got trampled by two
turkey feet an' forty clodhoppers.
Meantime, Bernie'd grabbed th' seat o' his britches with both hands an' wuz
screamin' an' runnin' t'wards 'is lawin' jeep with uh mad gobbler an' twenty crazy hillbillies
hot awn 'is heels.
When Jacy seed 'at hawg-wild mob chargin' down awn him, he made uh frantic
leap t' git outta th' way an' landed smackdab awn th' table whur th' money box wuz uh-
settin'.
Well sir, fifty-cent pieces went uh-flyin' all over th' place, an' Jacy landed right in th' midst uv 'em. When th' rest o' th' would-be
contestants saw 'im, they figgered he wuz tryin' t' make off with thur hard-earned entry
money, an' they went t' shootin' at 'im.
Not bein' able t' find 'is artillery, Jacy started throwin' fifty-cent pieces, an' th' first
one hit th' Reverend Jameson (who wuz only there t' ref'ree th' contest) smack-dab in th'
mouth. It knocked out 'is only gold tooth, which he swallered right uhlong with th' fifty-
cent piece.
Th' whole thang lasted fer uhbout two hours, an' as I recall, nobody never did git
that ol' turkey. Last I seed uv 'im he had uh death-grip awn 'at lawin' jeep an' wuz sailin'
down th' road at forty miles an hour. Hit'uz th' only time I ever r'member seein' uh man
push-start uh vehicle, make uh flyin' mount t' th' steerin' wheel, an' take uh turkey fer uh
ride while drivin' in uh standin' p'sition.
Bernie had t' sleep awn 'is belly fer th' next month, an' Jeff Ledbetter had t' have
three bones set an' uh shoe sole r'moved. Chalk Miller an' th' Sarjunt kid never did git t'
see whose blunderbuss helt th' closest pattern, but after lookin' at Bernie's rear-end, Ja cy
conceded th' point. Th' Reverend Jameson tuk uh whole week an' uh half passin' th' gold
tooth an' silver coin, an' he checked fer 'em ever' day till they showed up.
Some o' th' shooters got thur money back, an' th' others d'cided it'uz worth th' cost
jis' t' git in awn th' action an' Heber's quart jars. Somebody said that tom turkey lost 'is
hold awn th' lawin' jeep 'bout three miles outta town an' run hisself t' death tryin' t' ketch
it. Th' carcass wuz donated to uh needy family that lived nearby, but they couldn't eat it
'cause hit'uz too tuff. They finally cut it up an’ used th’ drumsticks
t’ play baseball with.
All in all, I thought hit'uz uh real nice turkey shoot. I went home with two dollars
an' fifty-cents, an' I didn't even buy uh ticket.
