by Robert Edward Lee Dalton |
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or The Extremities of the Apostrophe
Should I choose to expound upon the meaning of the word "ignorant" and its pertinence to any specific class of people, the resulting ramblings would be expansive and extremely boring. Therefore, I shall present my argument in the form of a self-sacrificial anecdote from my own (if I had written one) autobiography. Since this frail attempt to justify the species is primarily of interest to those who advocate the "ignorance" theory, I feel compelled, in the interest of effectiveness and fair play, to employ the vernacular of the offended sect. If at any time throughout the passage you encounter such difficulty that it becomes impossible for you to proceed, you have the author's permission to forego the balance of the text and read the final passage. It will be an enlightening experience.
Now I ain't one t' be picky. Lord knows I got one er two faults uv my own. But it 'peers t' me that
they's too much t'do 'bout th' iggernance amongst people, an' not uhnuff t'do 'bout th' heart. I learnt
uh lawng time ago that sich uh outlook is pure chittlin' dribblin's.
See, I'm uh natcherl bornt hillbilly frum back in Wes' Virginny whur th' hills is thicker'n flies in uh
hawg waller an' th' coal mines an' moonshine stills is used fer landmarks. I wuz raised awn th' side
uv one o' them hills, an' 'at's why one o' my laigs reaches all th' way t' th' ground an' t'other'n jus'
kinda skims th' crabgrass. 'At is, uv course, less'n I'm-a walkin' awn th' hillside, er tiltin' over lik' 'at
there leanin' tower uv pizzas.
Muh maw wuz uh woman, an' I 'spect muh paw prob'ly knowed it, 'cause he usta look at 'er kinda
funny frum time t' time an' they'd sneak off summers t' shuck sum corn er strang sum beans er
sumthin'.
Paw sed that one day th' buzzards brung me to 'em an' 'ey figgered they'd jus' go 'head'n keep me
'cause 'ey didn't have no dawg ner nuthin'. He figgered ever'body'd ortta have sum kinda pet, an'
since th' ugliest'uns made th' best'uns, they hung awn t'me. Course, maw sed it'uz 'cause he'uz jus'
parshul t' pore homeless critters an' sich.
Anyways, t' whack off uh chunk o' yarn spinnin', when I got big uhnuff t' eat more'n uh coal-mine
pony paw 'cided we'uz gonna hafta move 'fore th' naybors got t' complainin' 'bout muh droppin's
a-layin' all over th' yard. So we went uh-packin' down th' road 'bout fourteen miles t' whur th' Guyan
river passes by th' mouth uv Millcreek holler an' found us uh shanty in Little Egyp' bottom. Paw got
hisself uh job in th' coal mines an' we jus' settled in lik' uh whole passle uv 'possums in uh holler
tree. I got t' likin' it there 'cause ever' time I'd drop muh droppin's in muh drawers Maw'd jus' souse
me up'n down in th' river three er four times. 'At way, I didn't hafta git scrubbed in one o' them
galvernized warshin' tubs.
I reckon th' buzzards musta liked it thar too, 'cause 'ey stayed lawng uhnuff t' drop off uh sister fer
me. When I ast Paw whut he wuz gonna do with 'er he jus' pooched 'is shoulders up an' sed we'd
keep 'er 'cause two pets wuz better'n one, an' it'd keep th' moochers out anyways.
Ever'thang started uh-happ'nin' one day when one o' them city slickers cum t' th' house uh-sellin'
all uv 'em little doodads'n jiggers 'at always cost uh lotta money an' don't do nuthin' in p'tic'lar. He
jus' sidled up t' th' door an' tol' Maw that 'e wanted t' talk t' th' head uv th' house. (I knowed right then
'at he didn't have th' brains th' good Lord give uh animal cookie, 'cause our house didn't have no
head, we had uh outhouse. An' even if it did have uh head, any dang fool knows y' can't talk t' one.)
Anyways, Maw tol' 'im t' come awn in an' set down, an' when 'e did I started t' see whut Paw meant
'bout th' pets keepin' th' moochers uhway.
Th' first thang he did wuz t' set down right smack awn top uv ol' John ('At wuz muh pet turtle).
When he jumped up uh hollerin' an' wantin' t' know whut that thang wuz, I tol' 'im it'uz uh Wes'
Virginny bedbug, an' he got all green an' sick-lookin'. Maw ast 'im if he wanted uh glass uv water, an'
he sed "Yessum" without takin' 'is eyes off'n ol' John. He looked s' peek-ed that Maw 'cided t' give
'im uh glass uv paw's 'shine 'stead uv water, an' he drunk it down lik' it'uz th' last glass o' water he'uz
ever gonna see. I'll tell yuh whut, soon's 'at stuff hit bottom, I thought it wuz th' last glass he'uz ever
gonna see.
His eyeballs c'mmenced t' rollin' 'round lik' two marbles in uh Packard hubcap, an' then they got all
glassy lookin'. Maw grabbed 'im real quick-lik' an' tol' 'im he'd better set down, which woulda turned
out okay iff'n she hadn'ta set 'im down awn one uv sis's dirty dydees. He kinda teetered awn th' chair
fer uh minnit, then 'e started uh-whiffin' lik' uh Beagle at th' edge uv uh rabbit hole, an' made th'
mistake uv reachin' 'is hand down b'hind 'im t' see whut 'e wuz uh-settin' awn.
Well sur, he jus' stiffened up lik' he'd swallered uh corn cob, an' 'is eyes c'mmenced t' swangin'
back'n forth in thur sockets. Then 'e started gittin' up real easy. Kinda r'minded me uv one-a them
slow-moshun movies 'at sumbody'd tuk with uh wobbly camera--him uh-raisin' up real slow-lik' an'
uh-swayin' frum one side t'other. I figger he'da been okay though, iff'n Paw hadn'ta cum home frum
th' coal mine right uhbout then.
Now, if you ain't never seed uh coal miner 'fore he's tuk 'is bath, you won't really know whut I'm
uh-talkin' uhbout. It's kinda lik' lookin' at uh photygraffic negative uv uh snowman--yuh can't tell
whur nuthin' starts er stops 'cept th' teeth an' eyeballs. I reckon they ain't nuthin' blacker'n uh pile uv
coal dust, an' anythin' white'll stand out lik' uh canary in uh flock uv crows. It can git real skeery if y'
ain't never seen one b'fore.
Well sur, 'at's whut that thar city feller ended up uh-lookin' at when 'e fin'lly got t' his feet--uh big
lump o' black with two white eyeballs an' uh double row uv gleamin' white teeth with uh gapin' black
hole in th' middle o' the uppers whur one wuz missin'.
'At feller jus' stood thar fer uh minnit with 'is peepers still uh-rollin' 'round, an' him uh-smellin' lik' uh
dirty dydee, 'nen 'e c'mmenced t' changin' colors sim'lar t' one-a them fancy beer-joint signs. Fin'lly,
he started uh-screamin' lik' uh hawg at butcherin' time, an' one secunt he wuz thar, an' th' nex'
secunt he wuz gawn!
I'll tell yuh, I heerd uh lotta tales 'bout how iggernant them city fellers is, but I never really b'lieved
'em till I met that one. 'At's th' onliest feller I ever seed that never knowed nuthin' 'bout heads er
turtles er shine er babies er coal miners. I gotta say one thang fer 'im though, he shore wuz uh
good-hearted cuss. He left Maw th' dangdest c'llection uv doodads an' jiggers you ever saw, an' 'e
never dunned 'er fer uh solitary cent.
The defense rests. If you experienced difficulty reading the preceding passage, you could be classed as an "ignorant city-slicker". On the other hand, if you had no trouble at all, you could be classed as an "ignorant hillbilly". In either case you could be classed as "ignorant", and that is the whole point of my story. Case closed.
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